This past summer I received a revelation while strolling the picture perfect beaches of Costa Rica and reveling in a fiery red sunset to cap off another sun soaked day in paradise. There I was minding my own business and pondering upon the nature of true love when the last lingering ray of light from the fading embers of the sun struck me in the eyes and the heavens were opened up to me. In my temporary blindness I saw through the light into the meaning of true love. The answer wasn’t in the allure of beauty, which is only skin deep, or a charismatic personality that is only as stable as the next mood swing, it turns out that those traits are secondary to one eternal truth. True love is a 750 credit score.
When I think of all the time I have wasted lamenting over failed relationships of the past and wondering what I could have done differently in my search for the perfect partner it’s humbling to realize that the missing ingredient was as simple as a credit check. This is not to say that my strategy of initially pursuing a woman based purely on looks was shortsighted or shallow because attraction is the liquid courage of love that we drink from liberally in order to have the drive to pursue romance in the first place. However, much like anything fueled by liquid courage, the buzz of love will quickly melt away into a head splitting hangover of shame without the jolt of a mutually magnetic personality. But even the rare and powerful combination of a physical and emotional attraction is no match for the binding super glue of love that is a 750 credit score.
This is not to say one shouldn’t seek out the attributes of beauty in ones partner, to say that looks aren’t important is like telling yourself that you don’t need college degree to be successful. Sure you can still make money doing something else but having that diploma to wrap around yourself like a Brooks Brothers suit or a Versace dress is what adds a little class to your persona. While beauty may get your foot in the door with a potential mate it’s a charming personality that actually gets you into the proverbial love shack. But without a high and healthy credit score a seemingly perfect match made in heaven can be evicted from that love shack faster than a bank can foreclose on a mortgage.
This is where the 750 credit score comes into play. There is nothing worse than be entrapped by your partners visceral beauty and mesmerizing personality only to find out after you pop the question that agreeing to love them forever also includes paying off thousands of dollars in debt. True love doesn’t want to start out in a deep financial hole and unable to secure a loan for anything better than some dilapidated tin shack, true love wants to be approved for at least a mid range house in the suburbs at the lowest possible fixed mortgage rate.
The revelation of romance I received on the beach that day helped to clarify what was missing from my recipe of finding true love but much like any spiritual experience I was only shown the door, I still had to walk through it. Chasing beauty and matching up personalities is child’s play as compared to trying to figure out how high of a credit score my date for the evening has. Since I don’t have the NSA in my back pocket I have been forced to develop a three step strategy to finding out my potential partners credit score without being too obvious. Within the first several dates I ask a few simple finding questions like, “That’s great car you have, did you get a 3 year or 5 year loan on that?” or “I’m sure glad my job covers tuition reimbursement. Does your work cover reimbursement or did you go the student loan route?” When worked naturally into a conversation the answers to those questions can give a glimpse into their financial liability.
The second step in the process occurs within the first few months of dating and involves surfing the web together and randomly coming across a link for a website offering a free credit score followed by a suggestion that it would be a bonding experience to try it out together. The final step of the process involves hiring a private investigator to do a background check on the love of your life, while it may seem a bit invasive it’s really a small price to pay before investing money in an engagement ring. Finding that perfect trifecta of beauty, personality and a 750 credit score is worth the all the effort and financial snooping that goes into experiencing true love. I have no doubt that the next time I’m soaking in a romantic sunset on the beaches of Costa Rica it will be with the love of my life whose perfect beauty is only matched by her perfect credit score and as for personality, I really don’t care, I’m not that picky.